ii dunt reallie noe wer to start..
liike sumtyms ii feel...
ii didnt do my part as his eldest sister..
but what is reallie my part?..
protecting him from his illness?
and,how may ii ask,can ii do that?
sumtyms ii feel...
liike iits all my fault..
but what iis my fault.?
that ii cudnt help much in lessening his paiin.?
sumtyms ii feel..
liike ii didnt do enough..
ouh yeah..ii did his milk...ii played with him...with all his power rangers toys...with his tigger...watched all his Cds with him...Hi-5...power ranger SPd..power ranger rescue...power ranger time force...
we took pictures...pictures...lotsa lotsa lotsa pictures..
liike iit iisnt enough...
iisnt enough for mie to let him go with an open heart..
sumtyms ii feel..
liike a fool..
liike waiiting for hiim to go...but at the same tiime..ii dunt want hiim to go..
its best if he leaves since he wunt need to suffer anymore..but..
at the same tiime...ii am selfish...ii dunt wanna him to go..
sumtyms ii dunt feel liike praying...or hoping..
iis there even a need to..?
ii hope...ii hope..ii hope...that he would be okay...liike other 3 yr old normal kid would do...like nina's bro...who laughs..play..liike razmilsyah's bro..who have the strength to walk...and hop...and jump..liike..normal kids do..hyper...
but when the reality finally came..iit hurts so much...too much...that sumtyms...ii cudnt even breathe..ii cudnt thiink...ii cudnt do anything...ii cudnt sleep...
3am in the morning...would result miie ,huddling in 1 corner...and just stare at open space..
sumtyms...ii thiink as iif...
i dunt deserve all thiis shiit..
ii dunt curse as often as my gerls do..
ii dunt play tiimer..
ii pay attentiion in class..
ii did passed alot of my subjects..
ii respect my teachers..
ii respect the people around miie..
ii idolise Taufik Batisah..
ii dunt quite like Paul Twohill...
ii dunt hurt other people's feeling as often as my enemy..
where diid ii go wrong..until it finally come to this.?
haven ii done enough..?
how much more do eu want till to the extend...ur goiin to take hiim wiid eu..?
iisnt enough is enough.?
iif there iis a god out there...just hear my prayers for once...if eu want him...then take hiim at one go..dunt let hiim suffer liike thiis...so what.?ur gonna make hiim suffer for a full blardy 6 months..then ur takiing hiim...?if he iisnt readie to leave....make hiim liike other normal kids..dunt make hiim suffer...
of course there iis a god...if there isnt....who was ii praying to every single day for the past 14 years of ma liife..
eiither u take hiim at one go...or eu dunt..iim talking bullshiit ryte..
the irony thing is..sumhow...iim not ready to tell my feelings...my thoughts to my gerls...nina...shab..heera..sha..izan...katy...mas..rogue..
ii guess...
iit sums iit all up..
yours truly,
yaNa
